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Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?

So on Saturday morning, I was awakened by a knock on the door from two well-dressed male teens who wanted to rap to me about Jesus Christ. (I can only assume their parent or guardian was in the nearby idling car, taking their charges from door to door to spread the gospel like some bizarro trick-or-treat procedure.) I opened the door for a moment only to declare my lack of interest and send them to their next heretical confrontation/spiritual opportunity, but the whole quick and curt episode got me thinking.

I once heard that there are three types of Americans: Easterners (who are slighted and immediately generate a withering comeback), Westerners (who are slighted and immediately smile and say some variation of "no worries, dude"), and those of us in the middle of the country (who are slighted and immediately do nothing, only to think of a great comment ten to fifteen minutes after the slight). Obviously, as much as I would like to be a Easterner, I am a Midwest kid to the core, which means that after the requisite ten minute contemplative time period passed, I knew exactly what I should have said:

"Gosh, lil' Jesus dudes, but I'm sorry that I just woke up and can't listen to what you have to say. Why don't you give me your home address, and I'll stop by at a time that's more convenient for me...say, 1am on a random future date? Then you can feel free to preach until your clip-on ties pop right off."

(It has more creepy power if it's said with a fake smile and no eye blinking.)

And that got me thinking even more. As much as I despise door-to-door proselytizing, wouldn't it be funny to do one (or both) of the following:

OPTION A

(Walks up to house at 10pm) "Hi there, friend! Do you have a few moments for me to introduce you to the transcendent spiritual joys that Scientology has to offer? (Displays armful of Tom Cruise DVD's and Battlestar Galactica figurines) And do you have your checkbook handy?"

OPTION B

(Walks up to house at 7:16pm) "Good evening. Might I have some of your time to discuss with you to the basic religious tenants of atheism?" (Hands out a book of blank pages)

Which would give me a better chance at having the door slammed in my face? Or worse yet...which option would be most likely to get an invite inside? And would I have to wear a clip-on tie and plastered-on smile?

Comments

  1. marlfoxAugust 31, 2010 at 6:44 PM

    First, I couldn't agree more about coming up with responses 10 minutes after you could possibly use the response. Happens to me all the time.

    Second, door to door people or any and all sorts are just annoying. It's not just inviting yourself over, but at a random time and with intent to "sell" something. How rude.

    And lastly, I think optino B would be the best, though I'm sure option A would be great too.

    ReplyDelete

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