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Ass Cheeks Aglowin'


One of the joys of teaching for almost 19 years is that I've build up quite a wardrobe. But as I'm teaching more online classes, and as I'm getting older and fatter, there's just no need or possibility for some of the stuff I've accumulated, as I don't have the face time with students that I had a decade ago. So last night, I pulled out all my pants and sweaters and shirts and suits and stuff to make some "should-I-stay-or-should-I-go" piles. And while I didn't discard as much as I thought I might, there was still a sizable swell of clothing to be worn by me nevermore.

The worst of it was coming to the understanding that squeezing into good-looking yet ill-fitting pants did no one any favors. And the worst of that was saying goodbye to some long-treasured items, such as the Todd Oldham glow-in-the-dark vinyl pants pictured above. I bought them on a Chicago trip in the late '90s, when I had a head of long and flowing hair as well as a strong desire for showmanship. Both the hair and the showmanship are gone now, so I couldn't justify holding on to those pants anymore. Of course, if I found a pair that had a 35/36 waist instead of the 33/34 waist on the pair I own, it might be a different story.

And I wish I could say that it didn't make me sad to see them go, but it did. It was a glowing reminder that I'm a different person now -- balder, even more cynical, with a titanium spike where a left hip bone should be, more yesterdays than tomorrows -- and instead of reflecting on all the good stuff in my life (and there's a lot, because I'm fortunate in so many ways), I just flashed on a guy in a black shirt and vinyl pants, trying to educate and entertain a roomful of kids, never truly knowing if a single thing he did made any difference in their lives aside from a momentary snicker or eye roll. If only I still glowed with possibility the way those pants still do, and will now do for someone else.

Comments

  1. UnknownNovember 24, 2016 at 9:00 PM

    I, for one, can firmly say your teaching has had a profound influence on me as an individual, and as a professional. In addition, your sense of humor has impacted my own and has contributed to my ability to find the humorous in even the most mundane or tedious situations.

    So, I thank you for your contribution to our educational world. And while you may have to retire a few outfits, just remember that there are many students who can never look at a coat hook again without envisioning a horse with a dildo strapped to its head.

    ReplyDelete

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