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OPIE WTF

Last night, I was the co-M.C. for the Michigan Education Association's Outstanding Person In Education (OPIE) awards banquet. I decided to go for it and actually write up some jokes to deliver to the crowd, with some tweaks and improvisations thrown in on the fly. What follows is a sampling of the material I delivered, divided into "opening remarks" and "recipient biographies" (with my obvious embellishment) for your entertainment.

Opening Remarks

It's a pleasure to be here tonight at the Odawa Casino in Petoskey. Petoskey is a city that's so welcoming and inclusive, the adult store set up right across from the "Abortion Stops A Beating Heart" sign.

Even though I teach courses in psychology and the humanities, at heart, I'm a firm believer in STEM. After all, only science could create a man with the body of Stephen Merchant, the voice of Jeff Goldblum, and the head of Mr. Clean.

Everyone here tonight gets a free copy of the New York Times best-seller "A Gun For Every Grizzly: The Betsy DeVos Story." NPR raves "Whether you're a flat-Earther or a sycophant of the system, you'll give it a passing grade!" Check under your seats to see if you're a winner! Spoiler alert -- with DeVos at the helm, we're all losers!

Recipient Biographies

Natalie Cantrell, Alanson EA: "Her character alignment in Dungeons & Dragons is Chaotic Good."

Sharon Fox, Alba EA: "You might know Sharon's great-uncle Redd Fox from his work on the '70s sitcom Sanford & Son."

Michele Deming, Boyne City EA: "After all these years, Michele still calls Led Zeppelin "The New Yardbirds.'"

Karen Kruzel, Boyne City ESP: "Karen has three full fondue sets, including the limited edition George Forman Fon-Do-It!"

Kristine Burmeister, Charlevoix EA: "In college, Kristine played bass and spiderwebs in a gothic rock cover band."

Jason Purcell, Cheboygan EA: "When playing basketball, Jason can curse in four languages: COBOL, ASL, Dothraki, and Upper Peninsula English."

Luke Barry, Ellsworth EA: "His Netflix queue has nothing but Adam Sandler movies from the 21st Century only."

Kelcey Coveyou, Harbor Springs EA: "Her basement art studio features a sculpture of her principal made only of earwax and Corn Chex. We'll start the bidding for the sculpture at -$40."

Jennifer Van Daele, Inland Lakes EA: "Jennifer's first fender-bender was with a candy bar delivery truck. It left her Whatchamacallit with Mounds of Goobers."

Kerri Finlayson, NCMC EA: "Kerri listens to Celine Dion non-ironically."

Megon Marshall, Pellston ESP: "In 4th grade, Megon gave her cat Jimmers a reverse Mohawk."

Jeff Greene, Petoskey EA: "In the early '80s, Jeff wrestled competitively in Mexico under the name 'Jefe Magnifico!'"

There were a few more, and some of them were better received than others, but all in all, it seemed to go well. For something that I wrote up just before the ceremony, it made some people laugh, and teachers need all the laughs they can get these days. But thank Dog I'll never have to do it again.

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